i think that my worldview and philosophy relate directly to the things i acheive. mostly i'm a
serial existentialist, which to me means that i'm always worried about death and
dying because i'm near certain that all that comes after is an unthinkable endless void where
life once was. this fills me with panic whenever it comes up, and it comes up often.
the music i listen to, wikipedia pages citing death dates, celebrity deaths - especially when
they're younger. i know that i shouldn't worry but i at once feel that i haven't done anything and
that nothing that i do actually does matter.
yea, i've tried depression pillz and they at best make my emotional sin wave flat, but it also
makes me feel like life ain't worth anything, which i already sort of feel sometimes but not
all the time.
so, i start projects with big lofty aims and abandon them when i think about the futility of
everything, and then pick them back up. cyberia is one such project, and i started it with a group
of hopeful friends, but with everything going on in the world it's so so so hard not to lose hope.
i'm very impatient with people who don't understand sensitivity. often people try to come across
as know-it-all-y and hard on the internet, but in person they're very sensitive. i dunno. it's like,
pretending. i try to be vulnerable to my friends on the web. i try to be vulnerable in real life.
i'm doing better than before, i think. at least i don't think about killing myself because of these
like anxious manifestations. and i work out now, so that's good. i drink a little too much
but my hard drug use is behind me and i think i'm better off now than i've been in awhile, even though
everything feels so crushingly lonely and pointless right now. i relate to people who are going out in
droves and pretending that coronavirus doesn't exist, because tbh the only thing standing between people
and inevitable suicide is the shared pain of our torterous lives.